Over the past 30-odd years of my life I have said some really hurtful things to people in my life, the most recent of which happened with someone I considered to be a friend, when I reacted badly to how they dealt with a situation I placed them in and in the heat of the moment I sent a rather scathing email to them, the end result of this situation was that I was blocked from all social media platforms they use (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram).
The thing is though, when I find myself in the wrong, I have absolutely no problem with apologizing, but what really gets to me is when I apologize and the person I have wronged refuses to accept my apology and as a result they continue to hold a grudge.
In this latest situation, I have sent several lengthy emails (over the space of a few months - to save spamming them and making the situation worse), trying to explain my side of things, whilst emphasizing that I was totally in the wrong, not trying to justify my actions, but each time I have had no response back from them at all.
In each of the emails I have said that if the situation is unfixable, just send a brief email back saying so - hell, I would even accept a blunt "f*ck off" as that would be straight to the point and leave me knowing exactly where I stand.
I am quite a 'control freak' in some ways and it pains me to not be able to fix/resolve a situation and to have to live with regrets for what I have done.
Every few days I remember that the situation is still there lingering in the background unresolved and there is another brief period of sadness that I caused the situation and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
Over time I guess this person will start to fade into the background and they won't be someone I think of regularly, but there is probably always going to be a feeling that its another friendship I stupidly through away.